I can't sleep so I guess I'm just going to write...
I try so hard every day to forget and remind myself that I can manage alone; I don't need anyone else to make me happy. But I am only lying to myself to cover the grief. How can you forget something that tragic. It's like someone saying that the terrorist attacks on 911 weren't a big deal and the country should just let it go. How can you forget something that big? You can't. The scar is to big, there will be construction for years before the new building is fully rebuilt. So how do you expect me to just forget? I suppose I could cover it up with a fake smile or date someone else that is doomed to failure as well.
I miss having someone to talk to every day, just because. I miss having someone to cuddle with and watch movies. But these things are so foreign to me now that I can hardly remember them. Because of my anguish, no more pictures, notes, or treasures remain; just the horrible memories of what I thought were real. How could he look me in the eyes and tell me he loved me, while stabbing me in the heart with a knife at the same time. What I want is a reality. If I had the time, and the opportunity, I would grasp it and never let go.
Do I have a vibe saying "If you are looking to screw someone over, date me."?? I have tried to analyze the way guys think and figure out their games. I figure two can play... but then I realize that I don't want to play your stupid game. Be real, or leave me the hell alone. Just stop being so good looking please.
The guys that have the good looks know they don't have to try hard because they're hot, and the guys that are just decent are the sweet and sensitive ones to make up for their looks. It's the sad truth, but why can't I meet someone who is both? I feel like because its the anniversary of my break up with my ex, that I am just in a confused state of mind. I wish I could say that I am throwing in the towel in the boys department, but it would honesty be impossible.
Time heals all wounds. And God makes it a point to take his sweet time for personal enjoyment (I believe).
Is it already Wednesday?
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Friday, October 15, 2010
Everything is Beautiful
I have had a lot of time on my hands lately since the modeling world has been slow the last few weeks. This means I have been catching up on episodes of Arrested Development and yes, Keeping up the the Kardashians. I recently watched the movie "Letters to God" and it was such a heart warming, tear jerking movie (and I am usually not one to cry). It is a true story about a little boy who was battling brain cancer. First of all, an 8 year old should never have to go through that kind of pain. This boy had such a happy spirit and was always so positive. He didn't hate the fact that he had cancer, he embraced it and saw himself as a warrior. He wrote letters to God everyday thanking him for the things he had instead of being sad about what he didn't. He touched the lives of everyone he met and influenced others around him to take their sorrows to God. It was such an inspiring movie and I wish I had the pleasure of meeting him myself.
This story just shows that everyone has struggles but there is always someone out there who has it worse then you. If a little boy can take a positive out of brain cancer, then that gives me hope to get through my rough days. We aren't given these struggles because God hates us, we are given them because he loves us and wants us to grow, and even influence those around us. I am SO grateful that I haven't had to experience having cancer or having a personal family member or friend have it because I don't know if I'd be strong enough to deal with it. If I ever did have to experience it though, I am even more sure now that I need to live my life to the fullest with no regrets. Life is too short for that and you never know when its your time.
By the way, in the end, the boy did die, but he made such an impression on people that they made a movie about him. I hope that I can learn to be that positive and have people have nothing but good memories of me.
Life's good.
This story just shows that everyone has struggles but there is always someone out there who has it worse then you. If a little boy can take a positive out of brain cancer, then that gives me hope to get through my rough days. We aren't given these struggles because God hates us, we are given them because he loves us and wants us to grow, and even influence those around us. I am SO grateful that I haven't had to experience having cancer or having a personal family member or friend have it because I don't know if I'd be strong enough to deal with it. If I ever did have to experience it though, I am even more sure now that I need to live my life to the fullest with no regrets. Life is too short for that and you never know when its your time.
By the way, in the end, the boy did die, but he made such an impression on people that they made a movie about him. I hope that I can learn to be that positive and have people have nothing but good memories of me.
Life's good.
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
"In order to be irreplaceable, one must be different." -Coco Chanel
LaQuan Smith
LaQuan Smith
StyleTrek
Dress Reform
Dress Reform
Daniella Kallmeyer
Designers Collective
Yuna Yang
Well It's been a little while since I've written. September 9-16 was fashion week. I can proudly say I booked 7 but was in 6 shows/presentations which is pretty good for my first season. It was an amazing, stressful, and new experience. I have told my family and friends over and over again, I DO NOT advise anyone to get into modeling if they don't truly love and enjoy it. These past few weeks I have been going nonstop (with the exception of last week where I have finally gotten a break) with castings, shows and my other part time job. You have tons of people telling you how to dress, speak and be. I am not going to lie, I had a few breakdowns where I had to pull myself together and just get through whatever situation I was in. When you live in a world where most people are expecting you to fail and you are constantly competing and trying to prove yourself, it makes you wonder if it's worth it.
Well, I have thought a lot about this lately and for right now, it is worth it. I am only 19 years old and I get to live in New York City. I am going places and meeting people that other people only dream about achieving. And in the next year hopefully I will be going to Europe doing the same thing. I don't want to be one of those people that sits at home wishing I could be somewhere else. Even if I am worried about being able to pay next's month rent and food bills, it is still the experience of a life time. I am very blessed to be where I am at and I am SOO glad that when I came here I had my head on straight or I would already have my priorities mixed up. All the roomers you hear about the "modeling world" are very true.
So to get to my point about all this rambling is that going through blood sweat and tears to make it in this industry IS in fact worth it to me because I am going to prove to all of those people waiting for me to fail or screw my life up that not only am I going to make it in this industry, but I am going to do it with my pride and dignity intact remaining a "good girl" because folks, its possible, and like I said, I HAVE proved this to be true and will continue to prove this.
Anyway, here are some pics from shows, hope you enjoy them :)
This was my most recent shoot that I did Thursday....I'm not a bad girl, but I'm a pretty good actress
LaQuan Smith
StyleTrek
Dress Reform
Dress Reform
Daniella Kallmeyer
Designers Collective
Yuna Yang
Well It's been a little while since I've written. September 9-16 was fashion week. I can proudly say I booked 7 but was in 6 shows/presentations which is pretty good for my first season. It was an amazing, stressful, and new experience. I have told my family and friends over and over again, I DO NOT advise anyone to get into modeling if they don't truly love and enjoy it. These past few weeks I have been going nonstop (with the exception of last week where I have finally gotten a break) with castings, shows and my other part time job. You have tons of people telling you how to dress, speak and be. I am not going to lie, I had a few breakdowns where I had to pull myself together and just get through whatever situation I was in. When you live in a world where most people are expecting you to fail and you are constantly competing and trying to prove yourself, it makes you wonder if it's worth it.
Well, I have thought a lot about this lately and for right now, it is worth it. I am only 19 years old and I get to live in New York City. I am going places and meeting people that other people only dream about achieving. And in the next year hopefully I will be going to Europe doing the same thing. I don't want to be one of those people that sits at home wishing I could be somewhere else. Even if I am worried about being able to pay next's month rent and food bills, it is still the experience of a life time. I am very blessed to be where I am at and I am SOO glad that when I came here I had my head on straight or I would already have my priorities mixed up. All the roomers you hear about the "modeling world" are very true.
So to get to my point about all this rambling is that going through blood sweat and tears to make it in this industry IS in fact worth it to me because I am going to prove to all of those people waiting for me to fail or screw my life up that not only am I going to make it in this industry, but I am going to do it with my pride and dignity intact remaining a "good girl" because folks, its possible, and like I said, I HAVE proved this to be true and will continue to prove this.
Anyway, here are some pics from shows, hope you enjoy them :)
This was my most recent shoot that I did Thursday....I'm not a bad girl, but I'm a pretty good actress
Monday, August 23, 2010
Finally moved IN!!!
The living room
Long hallway
Tiny bathroom
Tiny closet
Tiny room! hah I'm getting the bottom
So I have finally moved in to my Upper West Side apartment. It is located in a beautiful area with cute shops and stores along the street. It's a 2 bedroom one, bathroom with a little kitchen and living room. It is furnished and I will be sharing a room and tiny closet with another girl. I will also be paying an outrageous amount to live here, but that's New York for ya!
After searching and searching for apartments, looking at pictures, areas and finding them on google maps, this one is really the best out of all. It is in between Central Park and the river facing Jersey. It's also in a good area, and it is so cute inside!
So I moved the majority of my stuff in on Thursday so last night when came over with the rest of my stuff (small suitcase, travel bag w/computer and other random things/ bag of shoes, and 2 purses), it was 9pm....yes PM and PORING rain. My friend Melanie who I had been staying with luckily came to help me. We took the cross town bus over cause she is Upper East Side. But, we still had about 10 block to walk. On the walk over, not only were we completely soaking wet, but lost on paper bag that had items in it. Let me tell you, it was so much fun!! Especially when the "puddles" get so big that the develop a current. It got to the point where I wasn't even annoyed anymore, I thought it was hilarious!
Then today I locked myself out and couldn't figure how to get back in. So I got myself a mani pedi and when I got back, the other roommates were back and they showed me how to open it. There are always little problems that always seem to happen to me every time I experience change in my life. Oh well, I have bigger things to stress about! Happy Monday.
Long hallway
Tiny bathroom
Tiny closet
Tiny room! hah I'm getting the bottom
So I have finally moved in to my Upper West Side apartment. It is located in a beautiful area with cute shops and stores along the street. It's a 2 bedroom one, bathroom with a little kitchen and living room. It is furnished and I will be sharing a room and tiny closet with another girl. I will also be paying an outrageous amount to live here, but that's New York for ya!
After searching and searching for apartments, looking at pictures, areas and finding them on google maps, this one is really the best out of all. It is in between Central Park and the river facing Jersey. It's also in a good area, and it is so cute inside!
So I moved the majority of my stuff in on Thursday so last night when came over with the rest of my stuff (small suitcase, travel bag w/computer and other random things/ bag of shoes, and 2 purses), it was 9pm....yes PM and PORING rain. My friend Melanie who I had been staying with luckily came to help me. We took the cross town bus over cause she is Upper East Side. But, we still had about 10 block to walk. On the walk over, not only were we completely soaking wet, but lost on paper bag that had items in it. Let me tell you, it was so much fun!! Especially when the "puddles" get so big that the develop a current. It got to the point where I wasn't even annoyed anymore, I thought it was hilarious!
Then today I locked myself out and couldn't figure how to get back in. So I got myself a mani pedi and when I got back, the other roommates were back and they showed me how to open it. There are always little problems that always seem to happen to me every time I experience change in my life. Oh well, I have bigger things to stress about! Happy Monday.
Friday, August 13, 2010
"Evil Stepmothers"
I have been watching a handful of Disney movies lately. Have you ever noticed that there is always an evil Stepmother or Queen? This intrigued me as well as causing me to google image "evil stepmothers". I noticed that all off these women literally look like the devil's wives.
Another thing they have in common is they are all incredibly jealous creatures. For instance, Cinderella's evil stepmother made her stay home and clean all day because she knew that she was beautiful and she didn't want the prince finding her. The evil queen wanted to kill snow white because she was jealous of her beauty; and because of her selfishness, she wanted to be the fairest in all the land. In Enchanted, the evil stepmother wanted all the power, so she did everything possible to get rid of Giselle so she wouldn't marry the prince. So really, these evil women don't like people who threaten their existence.
MEANING: if you are more pretty (which you most likely are), smarter and nicer then them, that stepmother is going to feel threatened and is going to do anything in her power to get rid of you....funny I feel like I have seen this actually happen in real life.
Really, it is just immaturity on these evil women's part. If they would grow up and get over the fact that they really aren't pretty and no matter what they do, they cannot get rid of the princess, it would make everyones life easy. PLUS, really who do they think they are?? They are the STEPmother, not real mother. They are the person that their father married so he can get some action but stay moral. It's funny that Disney puts stuff like this in their movies to entertain older people while they watch movies with their kids, or other young people.
So EVIL STEPMOTHERS: Jealously will destroy you. Please get over yourselves and do what you ladies do best; looking like somebody hit you in the face with a frying pan and shoved a stick up your crotch. :)
As for those princesses, keep going strong, you get the happily ever after!!
Monday, August 9, 2010
Sick Days
I HATE being sick. I would rather be hot and sweating 24/7 then be sick. You feel so miserable!
Well, to explain why I am mostly sick, this is whats going on right now....
I finally got a part time job after applying for for literally 20 here in the city. It is really hard to get a job anywhere unless you had a reference from somewhere else. I now work at the Soho Grand Hotel at their outside restaurant called "The Yard". It is really pretty and because its during the summer, it is really nice at night. So the Yard doesn't open up until 4pm and we don't close until 1am usually. I only work the weekends, but as the days went on, I stayed later and later. Thursday I got out by 1am. Friday I was out by 1:30am, and Saturday.....I didn't leave until 2:30 so I didn't even get home until 3am!! This is because the people litterally would not leave.
I also have been quite stressed about finding an apartment. It is by far the worst thing I have had to accomplish while here in the city. People are extremely shady and there are sooo many scams. It is also really hard to find an apartment less then $1000....This is not including other bills like food, metro card (unlimited subway pass), and other random things like a taxi. Fortunately my new part time job has AMAZING pay, and I finally found an apartment that might work out. I am going to look at it tomorrow so crossing my fingers it will work and I can be done with the search for now.
So aside from having watery eyes, being extremely congested and suffering from major fatigue, life here is great!! There are always sacrifices for what you want in life and it is a matter of deciding what is important. Time to buy some tissues!
Well, to explain why I am mostly sick, this is whats going on right now....
I finally got a part time job after applying for for literally 20 here in the city. It is really hard to get a job anywhere unless you had a reference from somewhere else. I now work at the Soho Grand Hotel at their outside restaurant called "The Yard". It is really pretty and because its during the summer, it is really nice at night. So the Yard doesn't open up until 4pm and we don't close until 1am usually. I only work the weekends, but as the days went on, I stayed later and later. Thursday I got out by 1am. Friday I was out by 1:30am, and Saturday.....I didn't leave until 2:30 so I didn't even get home until 3am!! This is because the people litterally would not leave.
I also have been quite stressed about finding an apartment. It is by far the worst thing I have had to accomplish while here in the city. People are extremely shady and there are sooo many scams. It is also really hard to find an apartment less then $1000....This is not including other bills like food, metro card (unlimited subway pass), and other random things like a taxi. Fortunately my new part time job has AMAZING pay, and I finally found an apartment that might work out. I am going to look at it tomorrow so crossing my fingers it will work and I can be done with the search for now.
So aside from having watery eyes, being extremely congested and suffering from major fatigue, life here is great!! There are always sacrifices for what you want in life and it is a matter of deciding what is important. Time to buy some tissues!
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
Rocky Runway
As most people know, it is super expensive to live in the city. I found a shared apartment about 2 weeks ago in a great location for an awesome price. I was supposed to move in, in 4 days.....I got a text from a girl that would have been my roommate today saying that a good friend of hers is moving to the city and they were letting her take the spot!!!! This has now caused me to go on a search frenzy trying to find a new apartment. Luckily I have some great friends that are helping me find one, but it is still stressful.
Not only do I have to find a new apartment now, but I have also been looking for a part time job for the past few weeks. It takes a few months to really get the ball rolling to make decent money here and I only have enough money to support myself for the next 2 or 3 months. It's kinda a scray spot to be in, but I know that everything is going to work out the way it needs to and I obviously wasn't meant to live in that apartment.
On a positive note, this week I have already auditioned with 3 Milan agencies to be represented by in Italy. And tomorrow I meet with a Japanese agency. How awesome would that be if I ended 2010 going to a foreign country to model?!
Life will always throw your curve balls, but it is what you make of them that will determine your additude. I am an optimistice person and this little situation cannot and will not bring me down!!
Not only do I have to find a new apartment now, but I have also been looking for a part time job for the past few weeks. It takes a few months to really get the ball rolling to make decent money here and I only have enough money to support myself for the next 2 or 3 months. It's kinda a scray spot to be in, but I know that everything is going to work out the way it needs to and I obviously wasn't meant to live in that apartment.
On a positive note, this week I have already auditioned with 3 Milan agencies to be represented by in Italy. And tomorrow I meet with a Japanese agency. How awesome would that be if I ended 2010 going to a foreign country to model?!
Life will always throw your curve balls, but it is what you make of them that will determine your additude. I am an optimistice person and this little situation cannot and will not bring me down!!
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