Insomnia

I can't sleep so I guess I'm just going to write...

I try so hard every day to forget and remind myself that I can manage alone; I don't need anyone else to make me happy. But I am only lying to myself to cover the grief. How can you forget something that tragic. It's like someone saying that the terrorist attacks on 911 weren't a big deal and the country should just let it go. How can you forget something that big? You can't. The scar is to big, there will be construction for years before the new building is fully rebuilt. So how do you expect me to just forget? I suppose I could cover it up with a fake smile or date someone else that is doomed to failure as well.

I miss having someone to talk to every day, just because. I miss having someone to cuddle with and watch movies. But these things are so foreign to me now that I can hardly remember them. Because of my anguish, no more pictures, notes, or treasures remain; just the horrible memories of what I thought were real. How could he look me in the eyes and tell me he loved me, while stabbing me in the heart with a knife at the same time. What I want is a reality. If I had the time, and the opportunity, I would grasp it and never let go.

Do I have a vibe saying "If you are looking to screw someone over, date me."?? I have tried to analyze the way guys think and figure out their games. I figure two can play... but then I realize that I don't want to play your stupid game. Be real, or leave me the hell alone. Just stop being so good looking please.

The guys that have the good looks know they don't have to try hard because they're hot, and the guys that are just decent are the sweet and sensitive ones to make up for their looks. It's the sad truth, but why can't I meet someone who is both? I feel like because its the anniversary of my break up with my ex, that I am just in a confused state of mind. I wish I could say that I am throwing in the towel in the boys department, but it would honesty be impossible.

Time heals all wounds. And God makes it a point to take his sweet time for personal enjoyment (I believe).
Is it already Wednesday?

Everything is Beautiful

I have had a lot of time on my hands lately since the modeling world has been slow the last few weeks. This means I have been catching up on episodes of Arrested Development and yes, Keeping up the the Kardashians. I recently watched the movie "Letters to God" and it was such a heart warming, tear jerking movie (and I am usually not one to cry). It is a true story about a little boy who was battling brain cancer. First of all, an 8 year old should never have to go through that kind of pain. This boy had such a happy spirit and was always so positive. He didn't hate the fact that he had cancer, he embraced it and saw himself as a warrior. He wrote letters to God everyday thanking him for the things he had instead of being sad about what he didn't. He touched the lives of everyone he met and influenced others around him to take their sorrows to God. It was such an inspiring movie and I wish I had the pleasure of meeting him myself.

This story just shows that everyone has struggles but there is always someone out there who has it worse then you. If a little boy can take a positive out of brain cancer, then that gives me hope to get through my rough days. We aren't given these struggles because God hates us, we are given them because he loves us and wants us to grow, and even influence those around us. I am SO grateful that I haven't had to experience having cancer or having a personal family member or friend have it because I don't know if I'd be strong enough to deal with it. If I ever did have to experience it though, I am even more sure now that I need to live my life to the fullest with no regrets. Life is too short for that and you never know when its your time.

By the way, in the end, the boy did die, but he made such an impression on people that they made a movie about him. I hope that I can learn to be that positive and have people have nothing but good memories of me.

Life's good.